When the regime begins auctioning
your children off to the Chinese,
and cremating the homeless;
for everyone who goes marching or writes
shouty poems against such things
there are others, like us, who quietly
welcome such reforms.
Our plans have been independently costed
by the Office of Budget Irresponsibility.
All the Artistic Director of the Abbey Theatre’s
hairdressing needs will be paid for
by raising the retirement age
for garbage disposal workers
to seventy five.
For their fortieth birthdays, all novelists
of no discernible consequence
will receive a knit-your-own
Martin Amis kit, and the ability
to cause nausea and bloating
in others.
For their fiftieth, members
of the National Academy of Arts and Letters–
and those who consistently liked
the right Facebook posts –
will receive a Jowl Development Grant
(payable annually) and a toothpick
with which to remove
any of the Minister for Culture’s pubes
which may have become
lodged between their teeth.
KEVIN HIGGINS is the Satirist-in-Residence at The Bogmans Cannon
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