*******************
Do you love yourself?
Quite a hard question to answer, huh?
I had always thought that that was the one inquiry in which the answer
would be incredibly obvious. However, I
learned through wrestling with my own self-image and esteem that I did not, in
fact, know the response to this seemingly simple question. And it is questionable whether anyone really
knows. However, I will leave that
discussion to the experts. I have
realized that it is not such a simple question to answer, and that a person
must truly know themselves in order to know the answer. However, none of this information was ever
given to me as I was growing up.
In kindergarten, as every other child, I was taught basic
academic and social skills: reading,
writing, sharing, playing with others, and so on. One basic, essential ability, however, was
left out of the mix. I did not realize
until I was about fifteen years old that I did not truly love myself. I did not even know how to treasure and
respect my own self. Love is one thing that we are never taught. We
are told to love our parents and friends, and that someday we would come to
love that “special someone.” However, no one ever bothered to mention
that before you can love anyone else, you must love yourself first and
foremost. I had always believed that
because I felt the love of my family members, I was automatically surrounded by
love from the inside out. However, I
never even thought about the fact that loving and encouraging family members
will not always be present. I had not
even imagined for a second that there would someday be people in my midst who
were not there solely to heighten my self-esteem.
I came to the conclusion that not being able to find the good within my own self is a debilitating “disease,” because it did not allow me to see the truth. Due to the lack of confidence and any sense of self-worth, I was left to depend on the value judgments of others to define who I was. However, between junior and senior high school, I overwent a whirlwind of changes and experiences, all of which have shaped who I am today.
My elementary years predisposed me towards being preoccupied
with the idea of personal value as defined by physical appearance and the
possession of either a boyfriend of girlfriend.
And since I failed to fulfill those requirements, I truly believed I had
nothing to offer. I felt dejected and
useless. I continued to harbor these
feelings of rejection until my mother realized that it was much more than just
a phase that I was struggling through.
She began to post signs throughout the house, proclaiming such things as
“You are special, April” and “I love you.”
However, the most important thing my mother taught me during that time
was to say the phrase “I’m beautiful” everyday in the mirror to myself. She shared a story of how this simple phrase
helped her through one of the most difficult points of her life. And so I began to repeat that phrase every
morning before I trotted off to school; staring at my reflection in the mirror
and repeating this phrase over and over again until I believed it.
It took a long time in order for me to even be comfortable
saying “I’m beautiful,” after a few months, I really felt sure of myself and
confident in the fact that I had much to offer and that physical appearance
does NOT determine a person’s value. I
also learned through this ritual that being beautiful is not just a physical
detail; being beautiful has everything to do with who I am inside and what I
feel about my whole self. And I carry
that ideal now.
In a nut shell, my bouts with my personal self-confidence
shaped me in numerous ways so that I now know my strengths and weaknesses, and
I have the knowledge that no matter what, I have to believe in myself. This belief will enable me to achieve the
dreams that I have built, and no one can shatter these dreams. I will succeed with the love I have within
myself and the confidence that this love provides. You are right, Mom, I am special!
No comments:
Post a Comment